I just don't know how. I don't even know how to explain how I feel these days. I feel like a different person. The world feels like a different place.
Grief counseling, people tell me, is what I need. Well, they offer it if you've lost a child. Or a parent. Or a spouse. But a friend? Not so much. I find this so confusing. I mean, people have friendships, don't they? Close ones? People they talk to, text, skype with every day? She lived in Ireland and I lived in Minnesota. I talked to her every day. We opened Christmas presents over skype. Colored Easter eggs. Folded laundry. Watched movies together. I can't even begin to explain the void. It's not like a vacuum of space, they suck things up. It's not like a piece of me is missing. A piece of me IS missing.
We used to joke about how if one of us was a guy, we would have gotten married years ago. We were soul mates. I can't comprehend the rest of my life, navigating this world alone. I'm moving back to New York (I'm actually there now, my grandmother died last week). I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm going apartment hunting this week. On Thursday it will be four months exactly that she's been gone and it's my 33rd birthday.
I miss my friend. I read the grief blogs and they are ALL about losing children or spouses. Maybe people don't have friendships like me and Tami had. I don't know. Nothing makes sense these days.
I know, I know - are you making art? Of course. Art is the one constant in my life. It comes from me. It's the one thing I have complete control of in my life.