The way to ruin a cool background

So, Liam and I were painting together. I took him through all the same steps as me because I thought it would be fun and it TOTALLY was, but they came out amazingly different!

Here is how mine started:

And his:

And here is how mine ended:

And his:

His came out SO MUCH BETTER than mine!! I can't even BELIEVE how much better his is. I'm jealous of my six-year-old's painting, how silly is that?? I loved mine until I added the figure, that's where it all went wrong. His is adorable!

Crazy journaling

Mindy Lacefield-style. Sort of. Here's a page that's just ballpoint pen in a couple of colors. 

This is pen and then several different markers:

A little paint-y chaos over it:

Then a couple of faces:

People:

I can't make Mindy people. I don't know why, but I can NOT get a good perspective with people trying to draw them in her style. Can't. Maybe I'll keep working on it, but the odds are slim!

Blue

Sometimes all that comes out is chaos. Sometimes all that's inside is chaos.

Eagle's Wings

My grandma died. She was almost 92, and lived a long, happy life. Grandpa died five years ago.

She wanted to be with him. She was ready to go. She'd been sick for a couple of weeks. (Not a long time, I know some people are sick for years, but still.)

I was terrified that her funeral was going to being me back to the place I was when Tami died. I haven't even gotten very far away from that place, but every inch counts and I was scared.

But grandma is at peace. She was so loved and she'd lived a life that made her happy. And maybe she's with grandpa now. And Uncle John. Don't get me wrong - the services were hard. It all sucked. Death sucks. But I had my grandma for thirty-three years, and I'm the youngest grandkid. She was ninety-one (almost ninety-two) and her brain was sharp as a tack. She's had a few injuries over the last few years, and those have been hard, but she wasn't ill and suffering. I'm super lucky and I know it. I have an amazing family, and I know that, too. When I knew she was dying, I remembered the one thing that comforted me when grandpa died was this song:

Affirmation

I kind of am, but if I keep telling myself that I'm not, maybe I won't be!

Full spread:

I Matter

A lot of time these days, I feel like "EVERYTHING MATTERS!!" and then "nothing matters, why the fuck do I even bother?" I was having a "nothing matters" kind of day and I said that on Facebook - that I was having a day where I feel like nothing matters. Effy Wild said two extremely powerful words to me: You matter.


I don't always agree. I make zero difference in the world, in society. Yes, I have a child and I make a difference to him, obviously. But to relegate my life to ONLY being important because I'm a mother is not OK. I don't have to know WHY I matter, I am just going to keep reminding myself that I do. I matter. YOU matter. We matter.

Her face is messy and imperfect, but I really like how she came out:

All finished:

Find Your Tribe

I haven't mentioned it (because I haven't been blogging), but I'm moving to New York. Soon. Our move-in date is August 19th.

You see, I have a tribe - online. Definitely. I've made IRL friends from online friends. But picture this: it's Christmas. My three-year-old opens presents on Skype with his grandparents. Then Tim goes to work and since we only had one car, the three-year-old and I are sitting home alone. Sure, we sled for a little while, we drink hot chocolate. And that's Christmas.

Now, picture this: I'm three years old. The youngest person in my family (yes, I'm the youngest member of my generation of the fam), I have a brother, six cousins, two aunts, three uncles. We're at a two-family house in the Bronx, both parts of the house owned by my family (grandpa and his brother). Auntie and Uncle Will have three boys, but none of them had kids yet, so it was just an additional six adults. Grandma has a little stocking hanging on the (fake) fireplace mantel for each of us with foil-wrapped chocolate Santas in them. White Christmas is playing on the TV, but no one is watching it. Jack Gleason is playing on the stereo and all the adults are complaining. The kids are all playing in the cellar (basement). There's more food than we could possibly eat in a lifetime. It's chaos. Insanity. Did I mention that the house is a one-bedroom?

That's missing from my son's life. The chaos of cousins and family and loud, crazy holidays. It's missing from MY life. Losing Tami made me realize how isolated I've been. How alone. I've been in Minnesota five years and made ONE friend. Don't get me wrong - when I make friends, I REALLY make friends. Kelly will be a part of my life forever. Her family is filled with amazing people who accepted my family without question. But my tribe, my people, my comfort zone? It's New York. I don't even know how to explain it, other than to say it's like being wound up ALL THE TIME. All the time. And then suddenly being able to relax. To breathe. To sleep. It's home.