Butterflies

The newest class at Suzi's Academy is Fairies. But before we get started with Fairies, we are making journals. We are calling them "Butterfly" Journals. I used to scoff at butterflies in peoples' art. They're BUGS. I have zero connection with nature. I love to open up my windows and breathe fresh air, but I don't have any connections with critters at all. But I realized the appeal of the butterfly. It's transformation. From caterpillar to butterfly. A total transition.

One of our first assignments was to describe an ideal day and the first thing that comes to my mind is: PEACE. I want peace - but not outer peace. I don't have a crazy, chaotic life. I have crazy, chaotic thoughts. I just want peace inside my head. I want happy, peaceful, calm thoughts. I want to figure out how to make that happen.

Usually when I take a class with Suzi, I watch all of the videos, ignore most of the assignments, and only do what interest and appeals to me. I avoid thinking too hard or too deep. In truth, I have no desire to figure out why I don't have peace of mind, I simply want to fix it.

Crazy, racing, revolving thoughts make me tired and I'm tired of being ashamed of them. Is ashamed even the right word? I don't know how to talk to people about it. Can I tell my friends that I count the number of syllables when they speak to me? Can I tell them how I picture the worst-case scenarios of every single thing in my life? That the reason I read so much is to try and distract my brain from these kinds of thoughts? That when I go to bed at night, the reason I leave the TV on and read until the book literally falls out of my hand is because otherwise I imagine people poised outside my window just waiting to break in and do horrible things so I open my eyes over and over and over and over until they're so dry and sticky my contacts pop out? I am 100% positive that my friends would love me anyway. But since there's nothing they could do about it, there seems to be little point in talking about it. The point is, I want to change it. I am hoping that admitting these thoughts here, admitting them to the universe, will help me to change them. I don't know how to bring about peace of mind, but I'm going to work on it.