Illness

That's my little son, along with Horton, bundled up on the couch. Every single November he gets sick. It starts with random vomiting. No warning, no fever or stuffiness. Just a tummyache and then vomit. Every single year. It goes on for weeks and then it stops. The only thing the doctor has been able to tell me is that it's not strep. He pukes in his sleep so I sit up all night staring at him because I know that's how rock stars die. It terrifies me.

First journal commission!

Effy Wild commissioned a journal from me! How excellent is that?? I'm so ridiculously excited, I started making hers and then I couldn't stop. I wasn't going to tape the spines of all of them, but I think I am. This little pile of potential makes me SO HAPPY!

Journal :)

Sometimes I like when just half the face comes out!

Pain - the Physical Kind

Kelly said something the other day about how I never really talk about it. I am a chronic pain sufferer. On September 25, 1995, my brother and I were driving to school one morning in a tiny car. A large truck slammed into us from behind - he didn't see us and hit us full force. I wasn't wearing my seat belt. The car was totaled and I spent a few hours in the hospital. The result (I didn't know the full impact for years) was disc and nerve damage. Sometimes the pain is severe (yesterday I wanted to scream), sometimes it sends tingling fire shooting up and down my back and both arms, sometimes I can't sleep because laying down is too painful, but mostly it feels like I smacked my funny bone (unless you touch it, that brings on the fire). It hurts from the side of my face along my jaw, down my back and right arm, around my right shoulder blade, all the way to my pinky. Sometimes I get a little tingly spot on my inner thigh, too. It hurts every minute of every day. But it happened so long ago that it's mostly just something I deal with and don't talk about. This picture is from Friday:

Friday I thought I was going to puke, the pain was so bad. No, I don't see doctors. I don't have health care. No, I don't take anything for it. Prescriptions require health care. No, I don't talk about it - unless you try to touch me (people rarely do, I don't leave my house much). It causes problems when: I try to open things with lids (water bottles, peanut butter, things like that), when people pretend they're going to hold open a door but they let go when you get close to it, when the weather is hot, when I'm driving. I always turn the vibrate off on my video game controllers, I always carry everything in my left hand or on my left arm, I can reach three keys farther with my left hand on the piano.

I rarely wear the brace (I'm supposed to always wear it), because I don't like to answer questions about it and most people blurt out things like "You look like you're going bowling!" instead of something like "Does that hurt?" or "Are you OK?" or "Hey, tell me about that." That belittles my injury and my pain. Then they might ask what happened - as if I want to talk about it then.

So. That's my chronic pain story.

Don't Let Them See

Sometimes things just come out when I'm journaling...

Hands

I wanna get better at them! This is from a Mark Crilley tutorial on YouTube...

I also want to get better at making art on my iPad, so why not combine the two??

Fae Canvas

So, I really, REALLY liked the fae journal page that I did and I wanted to replicate it on canvas. But not all of the materials act the same way on canvas as they do on paper. But I still went for it. Step one went pretty well, I really liked how this looked:

Adding another spray made sort of a mess and you can't really see the brick wall pattern:

I drew her and blocked out all the NOT her:

I was really disappointed at this stage because the graphite totally smeared with the flesh paint:

The end result is decent. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but I hung her on the wall anyway. 

Angel

I've been having so much fun painting on canvas! First I painted the background and then drew her on top of it.

I painted out the background, but I really like when it's not totally covered and the background shows through so it's a little grungy.

And now she's done!

Scratchy

I scratched this face into my paint table!

Happiness is...

I think when you're not used to happy, that when you first start to GET happy, it's a little bit scary. Maybe not for everyone, but for me. I'm used to anxiety, I'm used to stress, I'm used to uncertainty. I'm not used to happy. I grew up with parents and a brother who thought of me as strange. Who made me think I was strange. I've been in a marriage with a husband who has made me feel as if I have no value. I was twenty-eight before I really believed that I am NOT strange. I'm just me. I'm not odd, or weird, or quirky. I'm just me. I've always thought I was awesome, and you know what? I'm right. I'm thirty-three and I'm done with people who try to make me feel like there's something wrong with me because I think differently than they do. I'm perfectly normal. I deserve to be happy and I'm going to be, even if I have to acquire a taste for it.

New Stamp!!

Journal :)

You know I can't help it, I just keep making them!!

I matter

Canvas! I drew this face WEEKS ago and then I chickened out when it came to adding color. I finally put finishing this canvas on my To Do List, because for some reason I'm much more likely to do something if I put it on a list! Silly, I know, but I try not to judge and just do what works.

I didn't add all that much color, and I didn't blend it very well, but I freaking LOVE it. Completely love it! How crazy is that? Usually I'm pretty "meh" about stuff when I finish it, but I love her :)

And of course she needed pink hair. I mean, who doesn't? Also, a little charcoal added some depth.

Then I just added a little bit of grungy and some very significant words, with stamps I carved myself!

You may or may not remember the journal page that she was born out of...