Monday, July 22, 2013

Making sense of things...

I just don't know how. I don't even know how to explain how I feel these days. I feel like a different person. The world feels like a different place.

Grief counseling, people tell me, is what I need. Well, they offer it if you've lost a child. Or a parent. Or a spouse. But a friend? Not so much. I find this so confusing. I mean, people have friendships, don't they? Close ones? People they talk to, text, skype with every day? She lived in Ireland and I lived in Minnesota. I talked to her every day. We opened Christmas presents over skype. Colored Easter eggs. Folded laundry. Watched movies together. I can't even begin to explain the void. It's not like a vacuum of space, they suck things up. It's not like a piece of me is missing. A piece of me IS missing.

We used to joke about how if one of us was a guy, we would have gotten married years ago. We were soul mates. I can't comprehend the rest of my life, navigating this world alone. I'm moving back to New York (I'm actually there now, my grandmother died last week). I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm going apartment hunting this week. On Thursday it will be four months exactly that she's been gone and it's my 33rd birthday.

I miss my friend. I read the grief blogs and they are ALL about losing children or spouses. Maybe people don't have friendships like me and Tami had. I don't know. Nothing makes sense these days.

I know, I know - are you making art? Of course. Art is the one constant in my life. It comes from me. It's the one thing I have complete control of in my life.

13 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, friend. I find it really, really weird that you can't find a counselor who will help you with grief over the loss of a friend. That's just...odd. Doesn't make sense. You're doing a great job. Keep riding those awful waves. <3

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  2. I'm so sorry and don't have words. Losing someone important is hard, it sucks, it's not fair, and leaves you "missing" an important piece in your every day. I'm just ... sorry for your pain.

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  3. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your friend. I've lost a friend too. It was years ago, but you're right, no one offers counseling for that. I wish I could take away your pain. Your artwork is beautiful. Wendy

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    1. Thank you, Wendy. You know, I don't wish I wasn't in pain. The pain is just proof that I loved her.

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  4. I clicked over from Effy's August 1 linky. Wondering about what the "Before" might be, I read this post of yours.

    While not quite the same, I've lost 2 significant relationships in my lifetime and I understand what a very real ache and hole their absence can leave.

    Just wanting you to know that I, too, read your words and am sending love and light,

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  5. I am very sorry to hear of your loss.....this is a heartfelt post and I hope time and your art are great healers xxxxx

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  6. Yes there should be grief counseling for losing a friend. I didn't even seek it and am shocked that it doesn't exist. Makes me want to start a group or a page or something somewhere. Grief is grief, and a broken heart needs comfort.

    I'm serious. I WILL find a way to create a place for friends to grieve.

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    1. I would love to help you create this.

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  7. I know and feel your pain and loss, not your's, of course, but of the suffering of losing someone who was your world...in so many ways. I have been struggling with it for 2 yrs. now...and I have been told I need counseling...why, to re-live all that pain over again, to tell my deep feelings and cry my eyes out and not be able to eat again, groups are good and someone who has gone thru the same thing can only really understand, I hope you can find a group...we all grieve in our own ways and time...one will never get over it, just learning how to cope with it...minute by minute...I wish you love.

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