Saturday, October 27, 2012

Lists and flaws

Yesterday I went to Starbucks to finish my homework and get some coffee before work. I really wanted to work on Project Orange, but I keep getting all stuck on "What is it? What am I going to do with it? Is that good enough to write in my journal?" and blah, blah, blah. So I decided to just keep things simple. That's what I need more of in my life right now, simplicity.  I tend to get overloaded, panicky about everything I need to get done and how I don't have time to do it all - even though I DO have time to do it. So yesterday I sat at Starbucks and drew a girl and made lists.

Gratitude: I am tired because of all the blessings in my life.
* School - I love ITT Tech and I am excited about the work I will be able to do when I'm finished.
* Family - nothing is better than having my little son to love
* Friends - I would rather Skype and text with Kelly, Ajae, and Suzi than get enough sleep
* Work - in a shitty economy, I am lucky to have a job at all. I work with nice people in a nice place.

Finding my Calm:
* It's Friday, October 26, 2012 (I'm obsessed with always knowing the EXACT date and time)
* I'm dressed and ready for work
* I have the car so I can be on time
* I have tonight's homework done
* I will get off work in plenty of time to get to school early
* I do not have to get up early tomorrow or be anywhere or do anything

Today I would like to:
* get all the coming week's homework done
* Art Zine for class tonight
* get movie night snacks
* get a pumpkin for Liam
* make some pasta salad
* find a body for Kelly, a head for me, a heart for Ajae
* write up PO for YSM? 

To get these things done, I need:
* to go home from work and make pasta
* to get all of my books and vocab sheets and take them to school
* talk to K&A about zine & PO/YSM
* go to Target after work for snacks AND pumpkin
* look up head/body/heart

I know it probably seems silly and simple to some of you, but these little steps being written down helps me focus and not panic. What is there to even panic about? Nothing, it's totally irrational. But if all I remember is that I need to go to Target, and I forget WHY I need to go to Target, I walk out with nothing and then remember days later when I can't go because I don't have the car. It's super silly, but for me, having a list makes a HUGE difference. If I put on the list: do dishes, then the dishes get done. They always get done eventually, anyway, but this way they get done when I really want them to. I don't know why I can't just DO them, why I have to write it down to get it done. But I think part of what I wish more people would do is EMBRACE what you know about yourselves. Don't think of things as flaws or quirks At my new job, I'm a host. The next step is waitress. I will NEVER be a waitress. I have no desire to be one. I think I would be horrible at it. That isn't a flaw, it's just knowing myself. As the host, I have first contact with EVERYONE - the people who walk in, the ones who call, the brass when they come. But I don't have to see to anyone's needs. I'm not responsible for their restaurant experience. I don't like taking care of people, trying to make people happy. It's not something I'm good at. I'm not good at remembering toilet paper if it's not on the grocery list, no matter how many times I've had to use paper towels in the bathroom. This isn't a flaw, it's just me. 

How many things about you do you think "I wish I wasn't like that, didn't do that, hadn't said that". I think it's SO much more important to just KNOW things about yourself and learn how to live with them. I set an alarm to get my son on the bus and off the bus. I set one to remember to take my Prilosec. Should I be able to remember these things? Who are you to judge? Who am I to judge? The important thing is that I DON'T remember these things and on the days when it's Tim getting Liam off the bus, and an alarm is going off for no reason, I just explain what it is and let it go. I don't care, I CAN'T care if someone else thinks it's dumb. It works for me. Like wearing my shoes in the house if I want to get housework done. It's not a flaw, it's just something that WORKS for me. OK, rant over. For now!


  1. I wear shoes in the house if I wanna get housework done... and I love that you wanna fix my heart, and you know what... You do!