Sunday, October 28, 2012


OK, bloggy people. I need your help. I fucking hate blenders. I hate them. But I love smoothies. So for YEARS I've fought with the damn things. Everyone says the reason my fucking blenders never work the way I want them to is because I'm cheap. It's true - I am cheap. Why pay hundreds of dollars when I can get the same thing for $20? I don't like to cook. I just want to make smoothies in the damn thing. I got an off-brand version of the magic bullet - it sucked. I finally gave in and spent $50 on a Black and Decker - it fucking SUCKS. I'm over it. If there is a blender out there that I can just put crap in and it will blend ALL BY ITSELF, I wanna know about it.

Hear me out - I do NOT want to EVER have to stop it, open the top, and stir. NEVER. Just like when I'm asking about white pens and people say "Oh, if you go over it a couple of times, it's totally opaque." I don't WANT to do that. I want to write ONE TIME and have it work the way I want it to. Same with the blender. No stirring. I want to put frozen fruit, almond milk, and a shitload of ice in the goddamn thing and have it make a freaking smoothie. NO STIRRING. Would a margarita maker work better? I'm throwing my blender out, that way I won't keep having the urge to make smoothies. Fuck trying to be healthy. I'm just going to sit here and drink my coffee while I wait for my bacon to cook.


  1. I'm in search of a blender myself and don't have a clue yet. However, I'm thinking the problem might be too much frozen stuff all at once for the tiny blades, at the bottom, to handle. Maybe try defrosting the fruit before putting it in. Maybe a food processor would do better for the all at once kinda thing.

  2. I have a ninja smoothie blender and it works okay. It looks like this:

    If I use the travel cups I sometimes still have to open and stir- it depends on how I put the contents in. If I am careful to put some kind of liquid or soft material like yogurt in first and then the fresh and frozen items it will usually blend good. The larger container works really well without having to open it back up-but it's not very large- maybe half the size of a regular blender jug. I got mine on sale at Kohls and then used a 30% off couppon on top of it so the price wasn't so high- but still kind of spendy. Hope someone else helps you out!

  3. opps- forgot to also say- you do have to pulse the smoothie- it's not a turn on and do something else kind of tool. It doesn't usually take too long though.

  4. I have one of the ridiculous blenders - Vitamix - and while it does do better than cheapie blenders I've had, it still can get stuck which pisses me off. I try to put more easily blend able things in the blender first like milk and yogurt, and that seems to help. I totally understand your blender issues! I've had many a blending drama myself... Hope it gets better for you. Don't give up!