Illness

That's my little son, along with Horton, bundled up on the couch. Every single November he gets sick. It starts with random vomiting. No warning, no fever or stuffiness. Just a tummyache and then vomit. Every single year. It goes on for weeks and then it stops. The only thing the doctor has been able to tell me is that it's not strep. He pukes in his sleep so I sit up all night staring at him because I know that's how rock stars die. It terrifies me.

First journal commission!

Effy Wild commissioned a journal from me! How excellent is that?? I'm so ridiculously excited, I started making hers and then I couldn't stop. I wasn't going to tape the spines of all of them, but I think I am. This little pile of potential makes me SO HAPPY!

Journal :)

Sometimes I like when just half the face comes out!

Pain - the Physical Kind

Kelly said something the other day about how I never really talk about it. I am a chronic pain sufferer. On September 25, 1995, my brother and I were driving to school one morning in a tiny car. A large truck slammed into us from behind - he didn't see us and hit us full force. I wasn't wearing my seat belt. The car was totaled and I spent a few hours in the hospital. The result (I didn't know the full impact for years) was disc and nerve damage. Sometimes the pain is severe (yesterday I wanted to scream), sometimes it sends tingling fire shooting up and down my back and both arms, sometimes I can't sleep because laying down is too painful, but mostly it feels like I smacked my funny bone (unless you touch it, that brings on the fire). It hurts from the side of my face along my jaw, down my back and right arm, around my right shoulder blade, all the way to my pinky. Sometimes I get a little tingly spot on my inner thigh, too. It hurts every minute of every day. But it happened so long ago that it's mostly just something I deal with and don't talk about. This picture is from Friday:

Friday I thought I was going to puke, the pain was so bad. No, I don't see doctors. I don't have health care. No, I don't take anything for it. Prescriptions require health care. No, I don't talk about it - unless you try to touch me (people rarely do, I don't leave my house much). It causes problems when: I try to open things with lids (water bottles, peanut butter, things like that), when people pretend they're going to hold open a door but they let go when you get close to it, when the weather is hot, when I'm driving. I always turn the vibrate off on my video game controllers, I always carry everything in my left hand or on my left arm, I can reach three keys farther with my left hand on the piano.

I rarely wear the brace (I'm supposed to always wear it), because I don't like to answer questions about it and most people blurt out things like "You look like you're going bowling!" instead of something like "Does that hurt?" or "Are you OK?" or "Hey, tell me about that." That belittles my injury and my pain. Then they might ask what happened - as if I want to talk about it then.

So. That's my chronic pain story.

Don't Let Them See

Sometimes things just come out when I'm journaling...

Hands

I wanna get better at them! This is from a Mark Crilley tutorial on YouTube...

I also want to get better at making art on my iPad, so why not combine the two??

Fae Canvas

So, I really, REALLY liked the fae journal page that I did and I wanted to replicate it on canvas. But not all of the materials act the same way on canvas as they do on paper. But I still went for it. Step one went pretty well, I really liked how this looked:

Adding another spray made sort of a mess and you can't really see the brick wall pattern:

I drew her and blocked out all the NOT her:

I was really disappointed at this stage because the graphite totally smeared with the flesh paint:

The end result is decent. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but I hung her on the wall anyway. 

Angel

I've been having so much fun painting on canvas! First I painted the background and then drew her on top of it.

I painted out the background, but I really like when it's not totally covered and the background shows through so it's a little grungy.

And now she's done!

Scratchy

I scratched this face into my paint table!

Happiness is...

I think when you're not used to happy, that when you first start to GET happy, it's a little bit scary. Maybe not for everyone, but for me. I'm used to anxiety, I'm used to stress, I'm used to uncertainty. I'm not used to happy. I grew up with parents and a brother who thought of me as strange. Who made me think I was strange. I've been in a marriage with a husband who has made me feel as if I have no value. I was twenty-eight before I really believed that I am NOT strange. I'm just me. I'm not odd, or weird, or quirky. I'm just me. I've always thought I was awesome, and you know what? I'm right. I'm thirty-three and I'm done with people who try to make me feel like there's something wrong with me because I think differently than they do. I'm perfectly normal. I deserve to be happy and I'm going to be, even if I have to acquire a taste for it.

New Stamp!!

Journal :)

You know I can't help it, I just keep making them!!

I matter

Canvas! I drew this face WEEKS ago and then I chickened out when it came to adding color. I finally put finishing this canvas on my To Do List, because for some reason I'm much more likely to do something if I put it on a list! Silly, I know, but I try not to judge and just do what works.

I didn't add all that much color, and I didn't blend it very well, but I freaking LOVE it. Completely love it! How crazy is that? Usually I'm pretty "meh" about stuff when I finish it, but I love her :)

And of course she needed pink hair. I mean, who doesn't? Also, a little charcoal added some depth.

Then I just added a little bit of grungy and some very significant words, with stamps I carved myself!

You may or may not remember the journal page that she was born out of...

Late night skart revisited

I was pretty disappointed in how this face came out, and relatively certain I couldn't make her any better. The eyes are a little wonky, and the lips are even wonkier. Still, she deserved a little color.

But then I added a little bit of pen to her - just along the upper eyelids - and a little bit of outlining with a black colored pencil, and I think she looks a million times better! I swear, it took about two minutes to make this previously ugly face into something...not so ugly.

Wishing on a star

I was drawing her and skarting with Kelly one night. I really wanted her to be looking up at the stars and it put this song in my head that the little boy on the back of the train sings on The Polar Express. Billy. He's one of the only characters who has a name on that movie!

Kelly said that thinking of wishing on a star makes her think of the Disney song. I pointed out how that particular song has stupid lyrics about how wishing on a star makes dreams come true. I said that the lyrics should be more like "If you want your dreams to come true you have to work your ass off to make that happen." I'm cynical - surprise!

These words seem so much more appropriate to me:

Honestly, I wish I was more of the wishing upon a star to make my dreams some true kind of a chick, but I'm just not. Maybe I'll get there?

Art Date

Just me, my frappuccino, and my journal. Oh, and Ivan (my iPad), of course!

I love her so much I'm keeping her exactly as she is! No more color, no more paint. Just black ink and white pages.

Late night skart

Nature vs. Goog

Just kidding, peeps! Nature and I are fine. Although, if you know me you know I'm not really a nature loving chick. Sorry, I'm just not. I like looking at the pretty leaves in the fall, and the occasional sunset/rise. But for the most part I stay inside and away from the weather and the bugs and whatever.

BUT Julie Balzer said to do this and so I did. Be Proud. I gathered leaves and a stick.

I only liked this one leaf, so I only used it!! I made a gelli print with it first, then I used it as a stamp! I totally fell in love with this color combo, too!

First Profile

I'm totally in the "front face" rut and I've been there for a while, so I signed up for Tam's summer faces class so I could learn how to make better 3/4 and profile portraits. OK, not BETTER profiles, since I've never done one, but you know what I mean.

I tried to be better about process pictures, so here she is just getting started. 

And face finished:

The eye is hard for me. I don't know if I like it or not. It's not horrible at the moment, but I'm sure I could get it to horrible if I really tried. Actually, probably with very little effort at all. 

Here's the full spread before color:

Color is usually the hard part for me, especially when we're talking about faces. But I freaking LOVE how this chickie came out! She makes me so happy I'm going to make her into a canvas!!

Penzu asks: “lf you were to think of your journal as a friend, whatunique qualities will this friend have?”

Suzi Blu taught me years ago that my journal is my friend. That it will always hold my secrets. That it doesn't care how often I tell it my fears. That it never gets mad at me if I kick it under the couch and forget about it for awhile. It has no expectations. It is always there when I need it. It doesn't even care if I spend some time with another journal.

These are the journals I'm using right now:

There are seven of them. Three I made myself. Two are identical but serve difference purposes. Some of them are task specific - cartoons only, cheap thoughts only, palettes - while others are just a catchall. There is no rhyme or reason to them and I don't try to force on. Some of them are almost full while others are barely touched. When I feel the need to journal, I usually have a specific one in mind and I don't question that, I just find it and use it.

PS I have another journal, a moleskine sketchbook, that didn't make the picture. So that's eight. Right here, right now, journals that I'm currently working in. My friends. 

Pumpkin!

He's carving! He didn't like the pumpkin "guts", they make him a little uncomfortable, but he was SO excited to actually get to carve!

All finished!

Digital Art

From photo:

To art:

Words?

In my journal, this little figures have a quote from Bones: "We build our lives out of chaos and hope...and love." Angela said it when she was exasperated with Brennan about something. I forget what. I'm not sure if I'm going to put the words on the canvas or not. I kind of like it just the way it is. I'm actually thinking of scanning it. Or at least taking a high-rez photo of it and maybe making a journal cover out of it. It makes me really happy!

Shy girl again :)

Something I have trouble with is expressions. My people are just usually staring into space or looking bored. I REALLY liked this journal page and wanted to make it on canvas but I had a lot of trouble with the shy girl's face! She came out so good in the journal. I had to redraw her about seventeen times for the canvas, but I think this came out pretty cute!

What do you do when your friend gets hit by a car?

Poke fun, of course! Just kidding, this scared the shit out of me, but when you're friends with artists, this is what happens. I should have waited until I added color to show you, but I'm so amused by it! Yes, my friend really got hit by a car. He's all right. Banged up, had some internal injuries and some surgery, a little hip dislocation, but he's OK. I swear.

Pretty Page Syndrome!

I LOVED this spread. A lot. I got all attached to it. But I knew it wasn't finished, I don't like to just do backgrounds. So I made a note that I wanted a face on it - because I was drunk at the time and I didn't want to forget!

Surprise - I drew a face and journaled her hair! Lots of stuff I needed to say and I did. 

Then I added a little paint. Not very much, and I have no idea if she's finished. But I love her!

Handle With Care

From sketch:

To page!

Look at this girl - doesn't she look cute & shy?? I love her!