A New Way of Thinking

Today I took an hour. And you know what? I didn't feel like I stole it. Like I was robbing Peter (work, school, family, etc) to pay Paul (myself). I wasn't anxious or freaked out like I usually am when I "take" time for myself. I went to Barnes & Noble and looked at some web design books, got a frap and a cookie, then went to the library and journaled.

There is a LOT going on in my life (as I've told you several times lately), but there is even more than I've shared here, more than I'm comfortable talking about...sort of. The thing is, I'm not used to an abundance of "good" stuff. I don't get a lot of "lucky" stuff in my life, which is totally fine. My life is steady. I'm not wealthy, but I'm certainly not poor. We're in the middle. I've always kind of been in the middle. Not in a wishy-washy, afraid to stand out, don't know how to make a statement way, just in the life is unremarkable to anyone but me kind of way. I tend to mistrust. Mostly myself, if I'm being honest. Oh, not for things like being on time or getting a job done. But when there's NOT a right or wrong answer. Making a quilt for my sister in law, after the first block I got paranoid and texted her to see if she would like it. Surprise? Blown. Sanity? Saved. I am a creative person, but I don't necessarily enjoy sharing that with others because others judge. 2+2 always = 4, but "pretty" is in the eye of the beholder. Graphic design is not as much about "principles" and the "rule of thirds" anymore. It's about whether or not things are appealing to the eye. Do they grab your attention? Will they bring in enough business? I am SUPER insecure about these things, especially because I find so many commercials and slogans and crap like that off-putting and nonsensical. If that's what appeals to the majority of people or to test audiences or whatever, I feel doomed to failure. But lately I've been NOT failing. Good things are happening. According to a good friend, the universe is filling a void left behind by something else.

I feel like I should be scared and insecure. That's my normal pattern. But the same friend said "Why not change your pattern of thinking?" That I was allowed to freak out and embrace the fear if I wanted to, of course, because that's my choice. But that maybe I didn't need it. Maybe the gut-wrenching panic whenever someone suggests that I might be not awful at something is worth considering. Maybe it's time to let go of the panic.

Now, I'm still panicking a little bit, of course. But nowhere near what would be a normal level for me. This morning I was thinking of the line from Armageddon...98% excited 2% scared...or it could be 2% excited, 98% scared. I should be 98% scared, but I'm not. Maybe good shit is supposed to happen. We'll see, I guess. I mean good shit has to happen to somebody, why not me?

Close up of the girl:

The brown smudge is chocolate - I dropped part of my cookie :)