My best friend died Monday. She was 31. I'm drowning in it. I'm not OK. I don't give a fuck whose plan it was. I don't care about finding the good in the damn grief. I don't know who I am without her. I don't understand the world without her. I feel nothing but heaviness. Weight. Confusion. My head is fuzzy, my heart is beyond broken. It is simply unbelievable that I can't pick up the phone and hear her voice on the other end. Unconditional love is a rare thing. For twenty years, since we were idiot kids, we've been friends. She's been a part of my every damn day. What the fuck? What the fuck do I do? Say? I don't know what the fuck to DO. I don't want to do anything. Her husband and I are walking around like zombies while everyone around us scrambles to make decisions about STUPID CRAP. I don't care what fucking container her damn ashes are in. I don't give a fuck. She doesn't give a fucking fuck. Clearly, I'm melting down. I don't even know that this is the place to talk about it, but I don't know when (if) I'll be able to blog here again. She read my blog. In London, in Ireland, wherever the fuck she lived. You don't care, I know, I just can't seem to stop babbling, even in my own head. I'm angry. Today, yesterday, probably for a while. I'm fucking angry.
I wish I could make it not true. Death is horrible and gross and wrong and not anybody's plan (people who say it's Gd's plan are flatout wrong in my opinion and are either stupid or desperate). You don't have to do anything. Being angry is just fine. It's unfair. I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something to make it better, but of course there are no such words. Sending love and hugs. <3
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read this. You don't have to be okay and you don't have to see any good in it because there is none. You have every right to grief and anger-just from reading your blog a person can understand how much she meant to you. I went through the same thing when my Dad died- I could care less what coffin was used, how sorry people were, what we were going to eat- all I wanted was my Dad back and I know all you want right now is your best friend back. You have every right in the world to feel that way ♥
ReplyDeleteI do care. I don't even know you and I DO care. My best friend died last year and bit the head of anyone who said it was God's plan, everything happens for a reason, now I have a personal angel in heaven or any of that crap. She's gone and never coming back. Mother Nature is cruel to bodies, and whatever it is that makes us able to love this hard is cruel to hearts. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger? NO. Then why do we get weaker when we lose those we love, and this happens more and more often the older we get.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. It never stops sucking. And don't let anyone tell you to get over it. 31 is not the time to leave your friend. 60 something is not the time to leave your friend. We should all go together, holding hands and giggling over all that we've shared in our lives together.
I hope I didn't re-open any wounds here. Reading this made me remember how much I miss my friend and I know that this feeling never quite goes away. Especially when evil Facebook occasionally tells me that my friend "likes" a page everytime someone else "likes" it. I can't bring myself to unfriend her. My heart will never unfriend her. Nor should it.
For a while, Facebook kept saying she was online. It felt like being stabbed every time. For the most part, no one said any of those horrible things to me that I expected. No one tried to tell me it was God's plan, no one talked about angels or told me she was in a better place. My life, my world was filled with her. It just was. So many things happen and remind me of the fact that I'll never see her again. I found a stack of her wedding pictures the other day and I was so startled I dropped them. I left them on the floor for hours because I couldn't stand how I felt looking at them and I didn't want to touch them. I still post on her Facebook wall. I don't believe she can see us, I don't believe in god or an afterlife of any kind. I just need the connection that I get from posting there. I don't want to get over it. I know the grief is something I have to live with and I'm OK with it. It's just hard. It's hard.
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