Part of me feels like I've lost my mind - I'm working my internship in between when Liam gets on the bus (7:07am) and I start work (10:45am). My "hours" are 7:30-10, then work from 10:45-4, then Liam gets home at 4:03 (ish), and I have class from 6-10:30. Some days I have NTHS from 5-6p, and every other week I meet with my AITP mentor. When I started forgetting things like brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant, I decided I needed to figure out a new routine so I've been setting my alarm for 5:30 and drinking a LOT more coffee and Dr. Pepper to get through the days.
Another part of me feels awake for the first time in YEARS. When I was pregnant with Liam, both of my closest friends moved out of town. My family support was minimal, my husband turned into a dick after he was born, and my car was totaled when he was five months old. I worked days and my husband worked nights, so I was either at work or at home, alone, with a baby. I often grocery shopped in the middle of the night, because even though my mother lived next door and went to Publix every day, it never occurred to her, not ONCE, to ask if I needed anything or if I wanted to go with her. I didn't just feel isolated, I WAS isolated. I slid into Zombie Mode and no one even cared. I barely felt functional, but as long as you don't whine and complain, no one gives a crap about how you look, how you've changed, what is going on with you. They just don't.
Working again, once Liam was old enough to start school, changed me. I don't hate people, in general, the way I thought I did. People are fine. Clueless and mostly idiotic, but basically harmless and occasionally funny and kind. But still, working just made me more tired. Standing all day makes my feet hurt, a lot of days I had to go to school still in my uncomfortable work uniform, and it wasn't fun. Better than sitting at home doing nothing, but just another thing on my to-do list.
And now I have my internship. Doing graphics work. You know what that feels like to me? Helping someone. I have zero desire to help people in the way doctors or nurses or den mothers do. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's personal crap - their happiness, their well-being, their self-esteem. But when my boss watched me do something yesterday and burst out laughing - happy, "I'm really glad you knew how to do that" laughter - it was awesome. When he says "this is what I need" and I can make it happen, that's a happy thing and it makes me feel alive again.
Less sleep is bad, but doing work that I really enjoy, helping someone in my own way, I can't even tell you what a difference it's made in my life over the past three weeks. Only three weeks and I feel like a new person. Someone who has value.
Rushing from home to work to pick up Liam to school, I don't enjoy that. Feeling like a human being again, I enjoy that. A lot.
Wow that is a crazy schedule! But I'm so glad you're feeling better about people and life and yourself. What a gift.
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