Sunday, April 17, 2011

Fractured, pulled, torn...

I never know if it's just ME. If my feelings are strange. Odd. Outside the norm. I always assume they are. Something I've known for a very long time is that I need ALONE TIME. I've tried to explain to my husband that it has nothing to do with him, but it still insults him when I tell him I just need to be alone.
I don't care if this is a selfish need. It's not just something I want. I am not the same person when I don't get time to myself. That feeling when Indigo is a tidal wave about to crash over my head and suck me down into the Black Hole of depression - most of the time all I need is to be ALONE for awhile and it recedes.
I need time when I don't belong to anyone. There is no title attached to me. I HATE being referred to as "Tim's wife" or "Liam's mom". I don't like being introduced as "my wife, Goog". Just say my name and let the wedding rings speak for themselves. Who else would I be?
The problem with zero alone time is I can't think when someone else is talking. If you're talking, I'm listening to you. If I'm trying to think and you start talking, I completely forget what I was thinking about.
Now, I'm not curing cancer or solving world hunger. All I'm doing is raising one small human and trying to maintain some semblance of order in one small apartment. But I am not someone who finds staying at home "rewarding" or "fulfilling" or whatever it is I'm supposed to find it. We just can't afford day care.
This is how life often feels for me:
It's so hard for me to explain but I'm going to try: I hate watching TV/movies with people because they often look at me when they laugh to see if I'm laughing, too. (I'm usually not.)

I have nothing to say about Pop Culture. Zero. I could maybe name ten actors/actresses off the top of my head. I don't watch reality TV - no American Idol, no dancing shows, no housewives.

I only wear clothes that are comfortable and I always have. None of my shoes hurt my feet. I don't ever tell people I like their shirt because they will immediately tell me where they got it and how much they paid for it - why would I care about that?

When someone asks the question "What do you DO?" I often say "About what?" before I realize they're asking what my job is. Why would someone who just met me care about my job? I sure as heck don't care about theirs.

I don't wear makeup. At all. I don't even own any for "special occasions".

People who KNOW me (and would claim that we're "friends") often ask me things like "What are you doing for Easter?" when they KNOW THE ANSWER: nothing. I don't have a care and my husband is a restaurant manager. He will be at work (with the car) and I will be at home with the kid doing nothing. This is also what I will be doing for Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It seems to me what they want is for me to ask them about their plans so they can talk about their own plans - so why not just start with their own plans?

I don't relate well to other people and I DON'T SEE THIS AS A FLAW. They don't relate well to me either, why should I think it's my fault? But it does make me often feel strange. Fractured. Broken. Like a little superglue might help a bit. Not incorrect or wrong, but just sort of like I wasn't put together quite correctly. Like I belong on the Island of Misfit toys. Got any misfits in your life? If so, send them here so they know they're not alone.

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