Friday, August 16, 2013

Journaling Restrictions

I made this journal for a class with Jane Davenport. I ADORE her - her work, the way she teaches, pretty much everything about her. She said it would be a good idea to use a new journal for the class and I'm a good little student (graduated from college 6 weeks ago with highest honors!) so I made a new one, and I love it. I really do. But.

Jane is one of those people who talks about how they like to keep their journals "positive". Personally, I am not in a positive frame of mind most of the time. I'm a worrier, a doubter, a skeptic, an atheist. My days are mostly struggle. So even though I liked the journal, liked the size, made it out of my favorite paper - I never USED it. Because the pressure to keep it positive was a turn off.

I journal to get CRAP out of my head. My thoughts loop like your favorite song on repeat but not as fun. Writing the thoughts helps to get them out of my head for a little while. Sometimes only a few minutes - but the relief is enough. Sometimes longer. Sometimes I write the same things day after day after day because they come BACK day after day after day.

So I reclaimed this journal. I collaged over the "happy" cover and haven't decided if I'm going to leave it or layer some more stuff.


I spray random things on the pages and write wherever and whenever I need to. Here, I wrote the big word first, then journaled about it. It doesn't matter that you have to struggle to read it, reading it isn't the point. The point was getting it out of my head so I didn't have a panic attack in class.

This is a thought from an episode of Bones. How our bodies are like dust covers on books, and what's underneath is what counts. In my head, I'm thinking about what it means if I'm not beautiful on the inside OR the outside?

I think putting restrictions on things is the fastest way to discourage someone from doing it. I can't have the "need to be positive" restriction on my journals because I don't feel the need to journal as much when I'm happy. Journaling is how I self-sooth.

6 comments:

  1. oh boy....i so hear you. that happy crap would shut me down in a heartbeat. my heads replays the same tunes much like yours....we share the same doubts. you hit the nail on the head for me with this blog post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. yby the way....its me...judi foster

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear you! My restrictions are more along the lines of "Everything has to have a "meaning"", whatever that's about...and then I just...don't..
    keep on journaling :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. the pressure to "sparkle" all the damn time keeps me from a lot of classes. Also, though, the pressure to "dig deep" keeps me from others. I just want my journals and blog to be whatever the hell comes out of me at the time. Which led to one blog post getting only one comment and ZERO "likes".

    O well. I'm writing it for me anyway, eh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't take those "dig deep" kind of classes either. "Brave Girls" and those ones - I have no use for that. I use my journal for what I'm thinking, feeling, and needing right now. I always blog every day, so I have LOTS of posts with no comments but I don't care :)

      Delete