Sunday, April 1, 2012


The newest class at Suzi's Academy is Fairies. But before we get started with Fairies, we are making journals. We are calling them "Butterfly" Journals. I used to scoff at butterflies in peoples' art. They're BUGS. I have zero connection with nature. I love to open up my windows and breathe fresh air, but I don't have any connections with critters at all. But I realized the appeal of the butterfly. It's transformation. From caterpillar to butterfly. A total transition.

One of our first assignments was to describe an ideal day and the first thing that comes to my mind is: PEACE. I want peace - but not outer peace. I don't have a crazy, chaotic life. I have crazy, chaotic thoughts. I just want peace inside my head. I want happy, peaceful, calm thoughts. I want to figure out how to make that happen.

Usually when I take a class with Suzi, I watch all of the videos, ignore most of the assignments, and only do what interest and appeals to me. I avoid thinking too hard or too deep. In truth, I have no desire to figure out why I don't have peace of mind, I simply want to fix it.

Crazy, racing, revolving thoughts make me tired and I'm tired of being ashamed of them. Is ashamed even the right word? I don't know how to talk to people about it. Can I tell my friends that I count the number of syllables when they speak to me? Can I tell them how I picture the worst-case scenarios of every single thing in my life? That the reason I read so much is to try and distract my brain from these kinds of thoughts? That when I go to bed at night, the reason I leave the TV on and read until the book literally falls out of my hand is because otherwise I imagine people poised outside my window just waiting to break in and do horrible things so I open my eyes over and over and over and over until they're so dry and sticky my contacts pop out? I am 100% positive that my friends would love me anyway. But since there's nothing they could do about it, there seems to be little point in talking about it. The point is, I want to change it. I am hoping that admitting these thoughts here, admitting them to the universe, will help me to change them. I don't know how to bring about peace of mind, but I'm going to work on it.


  1. You are absolutely not alone with this! I have a somewhat non-chaotic life as well. Sure, some moments are more chaotic than others but all in all... pretty normal. However my own mind is full of very similar chaotic thoughts as your own and I am also hoping this class will help me unload some of that. It sure wouldn't be nice, wouldn't it?!

  2. I am both relieved and sad to know that I'm not alone - relieved because being the only nutcase on the planet would be scary, but sad because I hate how it feels and I don't want other people to have to feel that way, too! Thank you so much for letting me know that I'm not alone.

  3. Are you wearing earrings?
    I am jealous I cant do that with my hair at the moment.

  4. I always wear the same earrings. Four in the right ear, two in the left.