I guess mostly what I talk about here is silly stuff. Markers and bees and Mini Me. But today Suzi's blog post made me cry and so I'm going to talk about it. This is me: My name is Ariana, but my friends call me Goog. Except for one, who calls me Ana (pronounced anne-uh, not on-uh) which is what I would really like to be called. I like Star Wars and Star Trek, Harry Potter and Twilight. I read a lot, but not magazines. I have no interest in pop culture or television shows. I don't watch whatever TV show you think is amazing and I don't care how amazing you think it is. I have no idea what the temperature is here today. I love lime green and I don't wear matching socks. I have paint spattered on most of my clothes. I don't brush my hair and I don't own a blow dryer. I am a mom to a three-year-old who only eats crackers and chicken nuggets. I don't sleep well. I like sparkly pens and I hate staying at home.
But here is the thing I need you to know: I don't know how to judge you. THIS is why I never fit in in school. This is why I don't fit in now. I don't GET it. I don't LOOK at someone and think "Oh, they're hot." because I don't KNOW you. I'm not attracted to someone that I know nothing about. Not even physically. I just don't get it. I don't look at someone and see "ugly" or "pretty". I don't think you look different with your makeup off. I can't tell if you spent an hour or five minutes on your hair. It hurts me to admit this because I know you don't believe me. I DON'T understand HOW to judge people that way. I don't get it. I have blue eyes and dark blond hair (it's brownish-black right now). I have big teeth and even though I'm 30 I still have acne. I don't wear makeup. Ever. I don't even know how to put it on. WHY DO YOU CARE? My clothes probably don't match, I can't tell. I don't look in a mirror except while I'm brushing my teeth. Not because I don't like my reflection, just because it doesn't occur to me that I should care what I look like. Don't I always look the same? I don't iron any clothes, I wear jeans and t-shirts everyday. Right now I'm wearing a pair of black workout pants and a Thing 2 hoodie. My feet are bare and my hair is wet. But what does that have to DO with anything? I buy all my clothes at Target - Old Navy if the sale is REALLY good. All my sneakers have holes in them where my feet bend because I walk for miles and miles. I like country music. I bite my nails and want a tattoo. I'm not afraid of getting old. I love my son, and I don't think cupcakes are a "special occasion" food.
I hate when people say "I wish I could be more like you". I didn't have to learn to NOT judge people. I didn't have to learn to NOT care how I look, to NOT wear makeup, to NOT need designer clothes. It's all part of what makes me a freak. "Different" or "special". I have NEVER tried to "stand out" - I just STICK out. I don't WANT to. I've always been the person in class whose name the teacher knew first. If I walk into my apartment complex office, they know my name, hubby's, Mini's, my building AND apartment number. They know I'm an artist and hubby's a chef, and they've known all of this pretty much since we moved in. I don't know what makes me look people in the eye and make sure to hand the cashier my money instead of tossing it on the counter.
I'm so tired right now. Physically, mentally, just tired. I wish I understood. I wish I had the "judgement" gene, too. That way I could understand what's wrong with me. Today Indigo is winning the fight. Why do I let him? Sometimes it's just easier to just pull the Indigo cloak around me and huddle under it. Glare at people at the grocery store from under the cover of my iPod. They take one look at my earphones and grungy clothes and write me off as no-good. Maybe they're right.