Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Being Empty

I guess mostly what I talk about here is silly stuff. Markers and bees and Mini Me. But today Suzi's blog post made me cry and so I'm going to talk about it. This is me: My name is Ariana, but my friends call me Goog. Except for one, who calls me Ana (pronounced anne-uh, not on-uh) which is what I would really like to be called. I like Star Wars and Star Trek, Harry Potter and Twilight. I read a lot, but not magazines. I have no interest in pop culture or television shows. I don't watch whatever TV show you think is amazing and I don't care how amazing you think it is. I have no idea what the temperature is here today. I love lime green and I don't wear matching socks. I have paint spattered on most of my clothes. I don't brush my hair and I don't own a blow dryer. I am a mom to a three-year-old who only eats crackers and chicken nuggets. I don't sleep well. I like sparkly pens and I hate staying at home.

But here is the thing I need you to know: I don't know how to judge you. THIS is why I never fit in in school. This is why I don't fit in now. I don't GET it. I don't LOOK at someone and think "Oh, they're hot." because I don't KNOW you. I'm not attracted to someone that I know nothing about. Not even physically. I just don't get it. I don't look at someone and see "ugly" or "pretty". I don't think you look different with your makeup off. I can't tell if you spent an hour or five minutes on your hair. It hurts me to admit this because I know you don't believe me. I DON'T understand HOW to judge people that way. I don't get it. I have blue eyes and dark blond hair (it's brownish-black right now). I have big teeth and even though I'm 30 I still have acne. I don't wear makeup. Ever. I don't even know how to put it on. WHY DO YOU CARE? My clothes probably don't match, I can't tell. I don't look in a mirror except while I'm brushing my teeth. Not because I don't like my reflection, just because it doesn't occur to me that I should care what I look like. Don't I always look the same? I don't iron any clothes, I wear jeans and t-shirts everyday. Right now I'm wearing a pair of black workout pants and a Thing 2 hoodie. My feet are bare and my hair is wet. But what does that have to DO with anything? I buy all my clothes at Target - Old Navy if the sale is REALLY good. All my sneakers have holes in them where my feet bend because I walk for miles and miles. I like country music. I bite my nails and want a tattoo. I'm not afraid of getting old. I love my son, and I don't think cupcakes are a "special occasion" food.

I hate when people say "I wish I could be more like you". I didn't have to learn to NOT judge people. I didn't have to learn to NOT care how I look, to NOT wear makeup, to NOT need designer clothes. It's all part of what makes me a freak. "Different" or "special". I have NEVER tried to "stand out" - I just STICK out. I don't WANT to. I've always been the person in class whose name the teacher knew first. If I walk into my apartment complex office, they know my name, hubby's, Mini's, my building AND apartment number. They know I'm an artist and hubby's a chef, and they've known all of this pretty much since we moved in. I don't know what makes me look people in the eye and make sure to hand the cashier my money instead of tossing it on the counter.

I'm so tired right now. Physically, mentally, just tired. I wish I understood. I wish I had the "judgement" gene, too. That way I could understand what's wrong with me. Today Indigo is winning the fight. Why do I let him? Sometimes it's just easier to just pull the Indigo cloak around me and huddle under it. Glare at people at the grocery store from under the cover of my iPod. They take one look at my earphones and grungy clothes and write me off as no-good. Maybe they're right.


  1. NO! The people in the grocery store are not RIGHT. You my dear... are the first person I've ever met that actually WISHES to know how to automatically jugde people!!!

    Doesn't that sound crazy when you say that back to yourself?
    Just because you don't have the "judgment gene" (sounds like you think there is one, and you were born without it) doesn't make you a freak!

    I'm unsure where to go with this... but seems like to me, the fact that you don't judge others is a good thing.( which it is an amazing quality to be PROUD of)
    But you seem to take resentment towards BEING judged...so you SAY you wish you blended better, but don't know how? (for lack of a judgment gene)
    Do you really think that if you wore makeup.... or had designer clothes or fake polished nails you would stick out less?

    I don't...
    I think the fact that you actually look at the cashier while handing her money does, I think the apartment complex people know you and your family because of your communication with them, not cuz of the glitter on your pants and paint on your hands nor would it be because of jeans with a Lucky name brand on them and a perfectly styled trendy hair do!

    Just because you've never tried to stand out, ("I have NEVER tried to "stand out" - I just STICK out.") doesn't make naturally STICKING out a bad thing... please don't assume that you KNOW it's cuz of your differences from others.

    Learning to embrace is oneself (AS WE ARE)is one of the most difficult things I think we ever try to learn in life. I think it's a process, you never quite ARRIVE to it because the playing field changes as we age.

    Not sure where I fit in to this debacle... I don't judge others, but I am still pretty darn tough on myself. Still a puzzle... but I keep getting a right piece here and there, and so do you my friend..♥U~ ajae

    ps- do I have to call you Ana now?

  2. I have no idea why I felt compelled to CAP like a mad woman!! hahaaaa

  3. Hi, there, Goog:

    I must admit I am a little uncomfortable calling you Goog since I just "met" you.

    You are a breath of fresh air. In my last 9 - 5 job I had to sit in a room with 30-year-olds who giggled all day and talked about their hair, their clothes and Brad Pitt ALL DAY LONG. They wouldn't speak to me, even when I bid them Good Morning. Talk about judging. Go figure.

    There are many things you wrote that I identify with, and a few I don't. But that is what makes us unique, isn't it?

    Your artwork caught my eye in the Strathmore class so I had to check you out. Kewl!

  4. Dear Ana,
    It is lovely to meet you. I half-wish I DIDN'T have the judgment gene; I tend to be hypercritical, to the extent that I have to bend over backwards sometimes NOT to.
    I ADORE the mermaid and fish in the first post I saw on your blog. You are a marvelous artist.
    I am curious as to why Bristol is your preferred medium?

  5. I just really REALLY love the smoothness of the paper. Drawing on a textured paper just doesn't make me happy, and the way I first learned to shade faces with colored pencil calls for a smooth surface. Sketchbook paper works for this, too, of course, but for a journal, I LOVE the Bristol because it's also nice and thick. :)

  6. My fav color is lime green, I don't dry my hair. I don't wear make-up 'cause I have eczema and have red raw scaley rings around my eyes and cracked lips. I wear jeans and any old top every day. I don't have kids. I don't have a job or any kind of income support. I love Suzi Blu's classes and rarely create because I have ME/CFS for 25 years. Once I get my supplies together I'm usually too exhausted to do anything. I don't like how I look, but I don't think that people are judging me for my appearance or whether or not I watch TV shows.
    I like your art, you are doing some nice stuff. I recently acquired a pad of Bristol...I like it and it's cheaper. You are the only you, a unique, creative individual trying to make it in the world.

  7. Magenta, I hope you're right and people are NOT judging you. I was told my someone who tells people that I'm her best friend that I'm "the freaky friend" as we were getting ready for her wedding. I was shocked and horrified, but luckily I'm good at faking it. It was four years ago and she's said a million things to me since then but it's something I'll never forget. I don't hold it against her, I did tell her at the time that it was hurtful, but it's something to remember - even the people I thought liked me for who I am consider me to be "freaky".